You may recall the incident of the 」4 drycleaning bill reimbursement request by a solicitor in one of the world’s largest firms. (If you didn’t catch the story, then check your watch because you may have been abducted by an alien for a few hours.)

Michael Mullen, the director of European Corporate Affairs for Heinz Europe decided that he would exploit the unfortunate incident with the sophistication of Jim Carey bending over and talking with his rear end. What a creep! (I am referring to Michael — I like Jim Carey better although I wish he would stop the rear end stunt when he’s on talk shows.)

Michael Mullen, the director of European Corporate Affairs for Heinz Europe, said that the company – which sells 120 million bottles of tomato ketchup a year in Britain – would be more than willing to ensure that Mr Phillips’s trousers were free of unsightly stains. “Vinegar diluted with water is a quick and easy home remedy for removing ketchup,” Mr Mullen told The Sunday Telegraph informatively, “but we are happy to pay Mr Phillips’ dry cleaning bill instead.

“After all, why should Ms Amner pay the price for enjoying the world’s favourite ketchup?”

Notes to Michael Mullen of Heinz:

#1: The trousers are already clean – that’s why the request was for reimbursement – your formula for removing your product from clothes is uninteresting and irrelevant to the story.

#2: Your reference to either of the individuals, let alone both, is inappropriate and therefore lacking in judgement. You embarrass your company which does not typically resort to ridicule and sarcasm in its communications with the public.

#3: Your succumbing to the temptation to offer quotes for this story suggests that you might benefit from media training, poste haste.

#4: Get on with your life, Michael. Your time would be better spent chasing those creeps who pour other brands into your bottles for their restaurants.

I am almost reluctant to put the link in to the story because the fewer the people that look at it the better… but in case anyone thinks I am making this up…